Saturday, May 31, 2008

Addicts of Necropolis

After stupidly giving Zombie Aftermath the time of day, I realized there were a few that never got that far. Hell of the Living Dead being one such example (why not just watch Dawn of the Dead, you miserable bastards?); I remember giving it about three sentences worth of write-off. It deserved one of two things; much more on how fantastically terrible it was, or no notice at all. Occasionally (as in Nightmare City and Vengeance of the Zombies) I'll go on for pages and pages about the twisted stupidity of some directors. In my defense those guys definitely deserve it, and the folks on the chopping block today deserve it just as richly (like Peter O'Toole deserves an oscar, they need chiding). And as there are far more eloquent complaints out there, I'll just say my bit and move on to bigger fish. Sort of like eulogies at a necropolis I suppose. That these movies are all from the 1980s is no coincidence, it's fate, friends. Also not coincidental: all these films have gratuitous, pointless nudity. Three continents and they couldn't think of anything better? Fuck everyone!

by William A. Levey

Some idiots with dubbed voices swap stories in a cabin waiting for a fourth party to arrive. The only guy tells a story about a biker gang (in actuality a couple of 50-60 year olds in leather), a resurrecting stone, and an undying ghost women. Then there's a haunted theme park full of zombies, I guess, at that point I had started a game of solitaire or something. This is bad in the way that only late 80s movies could be (it feels almost like a parody of itself, as these films often do). It's so deliriously awful that I had to turn it, like Hell of the Living Dead before it, off before the credits.

Burial Grounds
by Andrei Bianchi

Speaking of turning off before the credits, this little number is often cited (along with Zombie's 3 and 4) as the worst zombie film of all time. Minutes 1 and 2 show a bearded archaeologist unleashing some etruscan zombies from a cave (hopefully Karma has gotten Bianchi back for this film and the way it vomits all over history). Some people, including an incestuous kid (who at the time was nearing 30) who molests and eats his mother, have to fight the zombies. They do a better job of finding ways to get killed, and succeeds fully in aggravating and grossing the audience out. There's nothing right about this movie; it's like being trapped in a closet with a spider for an hour and a half

Dawn of the Mummy
by Frank Agrama

The only egyptian zombie film that ever made it over here (not that unusual considering Greece just got theirs over last year). Ancient curse...explorer goes to open a of models use the tomb for a photoshoot...this one pretty much writes itself. Sort of like Oasis of the Zombies without so thick a haze of confusion (it's still confusing, mind you). The major difference between this and Franco's film is that there's a balls out gut munching scene towards the end. It's really bad. Like awful. Everyone is annoying either because they cannot act or because they're trying too hard. There is no hero and no villain, everyone's just disgusting and ignorant.

The reason I'm so upset with these films is because the handling of human beings and their interactions is so absolutely backwards that it's almost alien. People don't act like they do in these movies, in any culture. So why does Frank Agrama, an Egyptian, insist on making Egyptians look like fat idiots? Why does Andrea Bianchi, an Italian, insist on making the people in his films helpless and insufferable jackasses? Why does William Levey, an American, insist on directing people as if they were characters in a fourth-rate Hannah Barbara cartoon? Why? Why? WHY!?! What the fuck is the matter with film directors? Who's giving these morons money? What actor thinks to himself "A zombie film by the guy who did Strip Nude For Your Killer? Where do I sign?" I get why electricians and gaffers say yes; actors are given scripts to read, and if they aren't illiterate, they should be able to read lines like "You look just like a little whore, but I like that in a girl." and say reasonably that the man writing hasn't seen the sun in many, many years.

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